Happy families have four characteristics in common
Leo Tolstoy has a famous saying: "Happy families are all alike, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." But in the view of psychologists, whether families are happy or not, they all have certain characteristics. common ground.
Executive Director of Peking University Clinical Psychology Center Tang Denghua, chief physician, explained that happiness is a subjective feeling and there is no unified standard. Only you know whether each family is happy or not. Some families that are unhappy in the eyes of others may feel very happy themselves. With the changes of the times and society, the family environment is also changing. For example, in the past, a stable and happy family mostly had men taking charge of the outside and women taking charge of the house. But now, both the husband and the wife often share the responsibility, both internally and externally. As a result, healthy family models are constantly evolving and cannot always be measured by the same standards. But overall, there are four key points for a family to maintain a stable and happy state:
Mutual tolerance. A healthy family should allow each member to have different opinions and habits, and allow "communication without communication" when disagreements arise. Even if they cannot reach an agreement, they will respect each other and seek common ground while reserving differences. However, in some families, because one party is stronger, or the family members are stubborn and refuse to give in to each other, over-emphasis on the consistency of the family will lead to quarrels and cold wars. In the long run, every family member will be physically and mentally exhausted, and the family will be prone to problems. crack.
Such families need to understand that didactic and demeaning communication is counterproductive. When communicating, try to express more expectations and less accusations; you can also adopt some speaking skills, such as speaking out the problem in a joking tone, or communicating in a more relaxed atmosphere; even if you still cannot agree on an opinion in the end, try to understand and be tolerant.
Emotional flow. A happy family is more about emotions than principles, especially on small non-principled issues. Sometimes, family tolerance makes people feel loved. Some people treat the little things in life too seriously, or are unreasonable and unforgiving, which will eventually make the family atmosphere too tense, hinder the flow of emotions, and lack warmth.
In addition, in a happy family, there are both positive emotions flowing, such as gratitude, appreciation, and praise, as well as negative emotions, such as grumbling, occasional complaints, etc. This is common sense. But in some families, only positive emotions can be accepted and no negative emotions are allowed. The result of reporting good news but not bad news is that the whole family is overly depressed and even buries problems in their hearts, leaving hidden dangers.
Such a family should allow the expression of "no", do not be too harsh and reasonable, and can express grievances in a "complaining" way. Sometimes, it is normal for family members to have conflicts and conflicts. The key lies in how to view and resolve them. In fact, every time a new spearThe emergence and successful resolution of the shield are a sublimation of family relationships.
Be flexible. Healthy and happy families are resilient and can work together to overcome difficulties in the face of stress or change. For example, the wife usually bears more responsibilities such as housework and educating children. However, if the wife becomes busy at work and has no time to take care of the housework, the husband can change his role appropriately and help his wife share the burden. For example, in a family with better economic conditions, the husband can earn the income alone. Money supports the family and the wife takes care of the housework, but if there are financial changes, the wife can also step in to help relieve the husband's burden. The whole family is flexible and works together to actively respond to environmental changes.
Some families lack such flexibility and adaptability. The husband is busy with his career and making money to support the family, and rarely interferes with family affairs, while the wife only takes care of the housework and does not understand her husband's hard work. The division of labor seems reasonable, but a rigid relationship model will make a family vulnerable to setbacks and turbulence, and it will be difficult for members to understand and help each other.
Family members should not stick to their own side, but should think more about others and support each other so that they can live a happy life and overcome difficulties together. Also, although family members should not be forced to pay back for their efforts, if one person pays unilaterally for a long time, it is easy to become psychologically unbalanced, and eventual break-ups often occur. Therefore, you should be more grateful for your family's contributions, respond appropriately, and don't be stingy with words of gratitude and praise, so that your family will be warm and vital.
Clear boundaries. In a happy big family, there are good boundaries between the nuclear family and the family of origin: parents will not interfere too much with their children, and couples will not restrict their children too much. But there are not many families that can do this. Often there are unclear boundaries, indistinguishability between you and me, and even a lot of control and moral kidnapping. For example, children often get involved in conflicts between husband and wife, and they complain to their children and complain about their significant other, or elders interfere too much in their children's marriages, resulting in conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Unclear family boundaries will affect the judgment of family members and amplify family conflicts.
The nuclear family and the family of origin should neither be too close nor too distant. They should maintain a certain distance and care for and respect each other. Parents must learn to let go, resolve conflicts and problems between husband and wife by themselves, do not involve the children, and allow everyone to have their own spiritual space.