It’s hard to make progress if you dwell on your mistakes
National level two psychological counselor Ding Siyuan
Self-reflection has always been a praised virtue. Most people feel that if they can continue to reflect on themselves, they can become better and better. But in fact, if the method and content of introspection are wrong, it can easily turn into self-attack and make you feel worse and worse.
If you often reflect on your " Right or wrong” and “good or bad” need to be distinguished whether it is self-reflection or self-attack. True self-reflection is to examine one's words and deeds through self-awareness, rather than blindly self-criticism, and includes three aspects: 1. Find what you can still improve and do better, and clarify what you can do next time How to do it; 2. Find what you have done well and deserve praise, and praise yourself from the bottom of your heart; 3. Find an aspect that you don’t understand enough, explore it without judgment, and promote a better understanding of yourself. Self-attack basically only does one thing - keep chewing on your own mistakes, desperately looking for what you didn't do well, and constantly blaming yourself. Judging from the results, if you feel more powerful, relaxed, and understanding of yourself after "reflection" is over, that is positive and beneficial introspection; but if you feel troubled by guilt, self-blame, powerlessness, shame, etc., That's basically attacking yourself. There are indeed many people in life who confuse the two.
Those who overly dwell on their faults usually do so out of "fear." One is the fear of “making mistakes”. Some people who are always self-attacking were constantly corrected when they were growing up. For example, if they show their test papers or homework to their parents, their parents will immediately criticize them for what they did wrong, but not praise them for what they did right. If things go on like this, these people will be very sensitive and fearful of "doing it wrong" and will not care so much about "doing it well". This will allow them to quickly notice what they did not do well enough when they look back on themselves, and work hard to correct it.
The second is the fear of "not being accepted." Although we all preach unconditional love, judging from the growth experience of most people, love is often conditional. There will be rankings in the exam, and the top 10 people will be specially named and praised; parents will discuss their children's performance with each other, and children who perform well will be regarded as role models and receive more praise; after work, performance will be reviewed, and those in the front will be Being able to get rewards and the envy of others... these seem to indicate that if you are not good enough or outstanding enough, you will not get love and recognition. The so-called "self-reflection" means constantly picking out your own shortcomings and then repairing them so that you can "progress" and "be excellent", and then you will be "liked" and "praised".
No matter what the reason is, the core of people who love to correct their own mistakes is that they think "I'm not good enough." Self-attack means attacking first and not giving in to others.People have the opportunity to attack and exclude themselves. However, true protection lies in self-reflection, self-affirmation and growth. The first step is to see the good in yourself. No one in the world is completely bad or completely good, everyone is good and bad. There must be something you do very well, please think about it, find them out and appreciate yourself. This is true introspection.