"Desire but no sex" in your thirties and forties
Our reporter Shi Jie
“No harmonious sex life for more than a month, and less than 10 sex times a year” is the standard for “sexless marriage” recognized by sociologists. A survey data recently released by the American Journal of Marriage and Family shows that 7% of couples have not had sexual relations in the past year, 4% of partners have not had sex in five years, and 15% have "rarely had sex". The prevalence of "sexless marriages" is staggering. This study also specifically pointed out that although sexless marriages involve all age groups, they are more common among young adults in their 30s and early 40s. Many sex surveys in my country based on young groups also show that those born in the 1980s and 1990s have the lowest sex frequency scores.
Compared with the "intention" of the elderly Powerless", young people's sexless marriages are mostly "desire but no sex". The "China Sexual Life Quality Report of Post-80s and 90s" released in 2020 pointed out that the frequency and quality of sexual life of couples in their thirties and early forties have dropped significantly. However, their "sexual desire" scores are not low, but their sexual Life disappears. Why have young couples in their prime of life become a group of people who have sex but have no sex? Zhang Maoyun, associate professor of sexual psychology at Southern Medical University, believes that this is the result of the comprehensive influence of society, family and age characteristics of the population.
Too busy to have sex. Western psychologists refer to the people aged 30 to 45, who are old at the top and young at the bottom, who have become the backbone of society and are burdened with huge life pressures, as the "sandwich generation". They vividly describe how they are caught in the middle, busy and busy. The final dilemma. In our country, those born in the 1980s and 1990s also face the difficulty of being "pinched", and in an increasingly involutional workplace environment, this generation is under greater pressure. "There is too much pressure and too little time. High-intensity overtime work and high-quality childcare have made sleep a luxury, and sex life has to be sidelined." Mr. Chen, a white-collar worker, said that his sex life is facing "stress death." Netizens even listed occupations with "low sex life" rankings, including programmers, medical staff, advertising practitioners, new media personnel and other types of jobs that are constantly on the list.
I don’t want to do anything emotionally. It is undeniable that as the familiarity between couples who have been married for many years increases, the passion when they first meet diminishes, and their married life will indeed become dull. But Zhang Maoyun believes that in addition to sexual burnout, young people have sexual desire but not sex, and emotion is the main influencing factor. "The busy work and trivial matters in life have greatly reduced the time for couples to accompany and communicate with each other. After having children, as the number of family members increases, and even the older generation intervenes, conflicts in many matters are a great challenge. The relationship between husband and wife. If young couples lack the wisdom to resolve conflicts, it will undoubtedly lead to indifference in the relationship between the sexes and affect the occurrence of intimate behaviors." Zhang Maoyun analyzed.
I am out of shape and have no confidence. American "Marriage and"Family Magazine" also pointed out that appearance anxiety is also the straw that breaks the sexual life of young people. Previous research has found that negative perceptions of self-image are one of the biggest disruptors of sexual desire, response, and feelings. For couples in their thirties and forties, men may experience weight gain, hair loss and baldness after marriage, and women may lose shape due to childbirth. The anxiety caused by these changes in appearance will affect the couple's willingness and experience of sex to a certain extent. . The "Blue Book of China's Online Male Sexual Well-Being Index" released by the Chinese Sexology Society shows that erectile dysfunction is very common among men in their thirties and forties, mostly caused by life stress and bad habits. They also gradually lose sex if they don't have sex. power.
The mismatch between "desire" and "sex" often causes dissatisfaction in relationships and life, is detrimental to family stability, and also affects personal physical and mental health. In order to save the precarious sex life, Zhang Maoyun has some tips for young couples who want to have sex but not have sex:
Reserve space for sex. Since there is still desire, sex is not optional. Couples must change their concepts, improve the priority of sexual life, reasonably allocate limited time and energy, leave a certain space for two people to be alone and interact, and create conditions for high-quality sex.
Intimacy is the best foreplay. Once the relationship heats up, sex will happen naturally. In the documentary "One Week Sex Improvement Experiment", researchers asked couples whose sex lives were almost exhausted to communicate at night, try to understand and tolerate each other, create a beautiful atmosphere, and try to satisfy each other in their sexual life, no matter what bad things happened during the day. . After the filming, the relationships of the couples participating in the experiment were significantly improved, and the frequency and quality of sex life were higher.
Be creative in sex. Without imagination, sexual burnout can result. Young couples should create more surprises in life, experience some novel things together, and discover the different charm of the other half in the process. For example, couples who feel that their bodies are out of shape can make appointments to do sports, hikes, etc. together to maintain their posture and enhance intimacy at the same time. "As far as the sex process is concerned, trying to change the time, scene, position, and using sex toys is also a good way to increase interest."
