Strange factors that destroy marriages

Many people who have entered into marriage have a "treasure book" for handling the relationship between husband and wife. , such as setting aside time to spend time with your partner, appreciating each other, saying more positive words, etc. However, marriage experts point out that some seemingly inconspicuous and slightly strange factors in life may also cause harm to the happiness between couples. The website "Women's Day" in the United States recently synthesized a number of the latest research results and proposed nine unexpected factors that have a devastating impact on marital relationships.

1. One party always makes the decision. People often think that the person who has no say in the marriage will not be happy, but researchers have found that the powerful person is more likely to feel hopeless in the marriage. Suggestion: If one party always defers to the other party's opinions when making joint decisions, then you should express your own opinions more in the future; if you often make the final decisions in the family, you should take turns being the decision maker in the future.

2. Recollections of important things appear different. A 2003 survey showed that marital relationships often suffer when couples recall past events differently. Suggestion: Dr. Sara from the University of Wisconsin-Madison said that for some milestone events in life (such as engagement, purchasing a house, etc.), couples should talk seriously and reach an agreement as much as possible to avoid conflicts when recalling in the future.

3. Unrealistic expectations. Studies have found that people who have overly high expectations in marriage ("We will have a perfect sex life") have better results after marriage than those who have more realistic expectations ("We will work together to have a good, active sex life"). It's easier to be disappointed in the first year. Tip: "There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and having overly optimistic specific expectations will often end in disappointment," says Lisa Neff, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin. But don't give up in marriage. Positive and optimistic expectations just need to be controlled.

4. Always present yourself in a perfect state. A new study found that "being very perfect and idealized" in the eyes of your partner will not make you happy. If you are happy with yourself, on the contrary, you will feel that your spouse does not really recognize you. Moreover, what you do must try to conform to your partner's ideal standards, which invisibly adds extra pressure and makes you feel insecure. Suggestions : Some small admiration for your spouse will sublimate the relationship, but it must not be excessive and must be rooted in the other person’s real advantages.

5. Excessive text messaging. Researchers from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington found that couples who communicate primarily through text messages rather than face-to-face or on the phone are generally less satisfied with their relationship. Recommendation: Researchers believe the reason is that texters are often avoidant , and more anxious. However, there is no need to abandon text messages completely, but more face-to-face conversations should be conducted.

6. Lack of curiosity.“Curiosity killed the cat,” but curiosity can do wonders for a marriage. Researchers believe that curious people are more likely to view difficult situations as challenges rather than threats. And they are more communicative, flexible and open to new solutions. Suggestion: If a marriage that has always been happy encounters trouble, be sure to think curiously about whether the conflict between the couple provides a good opportunity to find different solutions to the problem.

7. Overly concerned about the closeness of the relationship between husband and wife. We’ve all had that feeling when we’re hiking and keep asking “are we almost there?” and end up making the destination feel further and further away. In the same way, if you always ask yourself "Are we close enough" in your marriage, it will make it impossible to have an intimate relationship as a couple. Suggestion: Husband and wife just need to have more common activities and experiences to let the sense of closeness come out naturally, and never force it.

8. Expect your husband to be like a gentleman. Some women generally have unrealistic ideas about men, believing that men should be like graceful knights who respect, protect and cherish women. Suggestion: Men cannot always be so polite. Occasionally quarrels and conflicts do not mean that your husband is not a real man, nor does it mean that he no longer loves you.

9. Demanding too much from yourself. One study found that trying to appear better and more perfect in the eyes of your partner can actually weaken your marriage. Recommendation: The pursuit of better performance often leads to negative feelings such as competition, confusion, and fear, while permissive goal pursuits lead to positive feelings such as cooperation and love. (Li Yuekang)