Photo: IKONIX Studio

So, you and Capt. Morgan engaged in a sorrow-drowning affair?

Not the best heart-healing approach perhaps, but there are ways to settle the sloshing and muffle the morning-after throbbing.

Part of the reason your head feels like it’s stuffed with fluff after a night of extreme imbibing is that you’re dehydrated. Yup. There are other factors involved, but who cares about science at a time like this?

You need Hangover Helpers. STAT.

Many old wives’ tales offer hangover remedies. Some scientifically sound. Some, well, maybe not. But why not give ’em a try?

Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. We’re not talking about drinking more alcohol, which is a diuretic. We’re talking water, straight up. Hoist one tall glass of water for every adult beverage you consume. Best to consume during party time, but it also helps just before you stumble into bed with that lampshade on your head. Or slurp it down as soon as you’re able to peel your eyes open the morning after. Or knock back some soothing tea laced with ginger. You get a two-fer when you sip ginger tea: Ginger chases away nausea, and the tea helps with that hydration.

Consume ample asparagus. Apparently young asparagus shoots and leaves whomp up the effect of enzymes in your body that break down alcohol. (Asparagus has leaves?) Anyway, the research—in Korea—was done on drunken rats who were given asparagus extract, but still.

Gobble carb-laden foods. This may be a fabled cure, but it works for us. Carbs seem to soak up a lot of whatever’s sloshing around in your stomach. You also could try the mnemonic BRAT treatment suggested for people with, um, gastrointestinal distress. BRAT stands for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.

Lindsey swears by her hangover cure-all: Fried Rice with Portuguese Sausage.

Fried Rice with Portuguese Sausage

2 Tbsp. oil (divided)

1 small onion, chopped

1 carrot, chopped

1 large jalapeno pepper, finely chopped (remove hot, hot, hot seeds and veins first)

3 cloves garlic, minced

12 oz. Portuguese sausage (linguica), Andouille, or Polish sausage, coarsely chopped

3 cups cooked rice (leftover…or cooked rice in a pouch)

2 tsp. hoisin sauce

1 Tbsp. soy sauce or fish sauce

Sriracha or hot sauce, optional

4 green onions, sliced

1. Heat 1 Tbsp. of the oil over medium-high heat in a wok or deep skillet. Add onion, carrot, and jalapeno. Cook and stir for 3 to 4 minutes or until onion softens. Add garlic, stirring for about 30 secons. Add sausage slice; cook and stir for 3 minutes more.

2. If needed, add remaining oil. Stir in rice, hoisin, and soy sauce. Cook and stir for 1 to 2 minutes more or until rice is heated through. Taste. If desired, splash in Sriracha. Sprinkle with green onions.

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